THE KEY TO HAPPINESS IN SOCIAL RELATIONSHIPS

Even though having strong relationships with friends, romantic partners, and close family members is something we all want, these connections always have a price.

We become irritated with other people.

It's true, you know that. Even though you may be very close friends, sometimes people can act carelessly or become irrationally angry with you, which can make you feel much worse. Perhaps they aren't happy with you as much as you are with them. Things can quickly turn bad.

The difficulty of this issue is so great that solutions to these kinds of disputes and annoyances could fill entire books. However, if you use this one method consistently, it will make you much happier.

The key is to constantly adopt an optimistic outlook on other people.

Given that this requires some explanation, let us examine two perspectives on other people:

• The misguided perspective. When someone acts rudely, you may ask yourself, "Who does that?" or "Why do they have to be so inconsiderate?" Without attempting to put yourself in their situation, you essentially interpret their actions in the worst possible way. Most of us routinely engage in this without even realizing it. This is what you do whenever someone annoys or frustrates you.

• The idealistic perspective. You should attempt to view someone's thoughtless actions from a charitable standpoint, even though I'm not saying that their behavior is acceptable. If they're having a rough day, for instance, you could understand why they'd be grumpy. This doesn't justify their behavior, though. It is possible that they are reacting aggressively because of something you did, even if you were not aware of it at the time. It's understandable that people get hurt and lash out, even though that's not a nice way to respond. Thus the altruistic perspective is that this is a hurting person you love. Put aside the slight you took personally, consider their suffering, and show them compassion.

• The misguided perspective is problematic because it is easy to see other people's rudeness, inconsideration, and plain wrongness because we are viewing the world through our own lens and assume that others should share our perspective. Let's take a quick look at the ill-intentioned view before moving on to what I think will transform most people's interpersonal happiness: the good-hearted view.

Say, for instance, that they left the kitchen in a huge mess or with dirty dishes. Instead of being careless, why didn't they just tidy up? You think they're not behaving appropriately.

They made some rather hurtful remarks to you. You are a nice person who doesn't deserve to be treated badly, so you have no idea why they would be mean.

For some reason, they are upset with you. That's not fair to you! What's wrong with them?

These are some common interpersonal issues and common responses, of course there are much worse things. 

These are understandable responses, but adopting this perspective makes you feel awful for the other person. You're hurt, offended, frustrated, or furious. You accumulate resentment.

Additionally, you could have a negative reaction to the other person, ignoring them, lashing out, saying something hurtful or angry, or whatever your typical response to these situations might be. Obviously, this will cause them to react negatively toward you, and this will damage your relationship. Both of you and them are not content. Not a good situation, this.

The well-meaning viewpoint is problematic because it harms the relationship and doesn't benefit anyone. Even worse, it's self-centered (you're thinking only of yourself) as opposed to considering the other person, who you care about, the two of you, or your relationship.

The idealistic perspective is the solution.

Now, granted, it's not ideal for the self-centered to perceive the bad intentions of others—not that any of us are!—to perceive things that way. What then is the compassionate viewpoint?

This strategy, however, aims to employ empathy in order to recognize the other person's goodness of heart and presume that they are misguided decent people going through a difficult time.

Some explanations for why someone might behave badly include:

1. Since they saw nothing wrong with what they did, they honestly had no idea how you would interpret what they had done. It's possible that you believe they are incorrect, but there are other possible interpretations.
2. They were engrossed in their own world and failed to consider the potential consequences of their words and deeds. Of course, this is self-serving, but we all act in this way—possibly daily.
3. Their negative tendency is to respond negatively to people. Their bad habits were formed when they were young, not because they have a bad heart. These patterns just hurt other people now, whereas originally they were supposed to shield them from harm.
4. Their concerns stem from past abuse or hurt, and they fear you will do them any harm. They defend themselves as a result. It is not an explanation, but rather a means of comprehending human nature.
5. Their negative reaction stems from something you did that they found offensive. They live in that world; perhaps you were unaware that you were doing this.
6. They're reacting negatively because of something you did that they found offensive. That may not have occurred to you, but that is the world they live in.
7. They were truly attempting to assist you, but you misinterpreted their intentions
8. Bad behavior is not justified by any of the aforementioned issues. It is improper to shout, act violently, or be impolite. But we won't be friends with anyone if we judge everyone for their bad behavior because bad behavior happens to everyone. including ourselves, since if we're being really honest, we have to acknowledge that we have bad moments too.

Looking at them with fresh eyes, here are some possible responses:

1. Perhaps even having a conversation with them about the situation, we can try to understand them. Many times, people want to be understood and heard. Give them a sense of justification for their actions.
2. Without placing blame, making accusations, or invoking guilt, we could then discuss how their actions affected us. Rather, the intention is to find a solution to the disagreement.
3. Given their struggles, we might be able to sympathize with them. A hug, or something similar, would be appropriate. Alternatively, we could try to console them and help them feel better by adopting a "hug attitude."
4. If it's more appropriate, we could choose to simply leave the other person alone until they feel better and not allow ourselves to become entangled in angry or frustrated feelings.
5. If the other person is truly dangerous, you may need to leave the area (for your own safety), but you may be able to control your anger if you approach them with compassion.
6. You can see that these are far more beneficial for the relationship, the other person, and our own happiness—and these are just a few options.

Perhaps you're thinking, "Well, isn't this just reinforcing or covering up their bad behavior?" That's one interpretation, but in my opinion, the key is to avoid thinking in detrimental and unhelpful ways as well as becoming enmeshed in our own self-centered viewpoint. When we adopt a good-hearted perspective, we are more likely to be happy and form healthy relationships. We are also more understanding and compassionate.

Consider the kind perspective the next time you're having problems with someone. In a challenging circumstance, you might discover a little happiness.